I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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