Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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