you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
