My liver just broke up with me...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
