just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
