a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
