i wish my penis had a tongue
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
