How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
