I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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