During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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