Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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