why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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