Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
