If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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