I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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