I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
