And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
