My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
