Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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