I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
