The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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