he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
