She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
