Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
