Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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