Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
