he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
