The best revenge is premature balding
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
