Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
