I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
