this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
