Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
