i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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