Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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