I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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