I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
