All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
