She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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