come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
