Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
