I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
