there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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