just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
