i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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