he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
