i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
