I just threw up on my dentist
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
