when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
