I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
