Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
