i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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