Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
