that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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