Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
