paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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