even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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