you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
